There is Hope

There is hope. If you hear nothing else that I write, hear that there is hope.

My husband and I got pregnant when we were living in Phoenix, AZ, and we were not set up to raise a child out there. A week after we found out I was pregnant, we moved back to Texas. My family is here. My life is here. Our support system is here.

Nine days after we moved in with my parents here in Texas to restart our lives and prepare for the baby, I suffered a miscarriage. My son died without me getting to hold him, hear him laugh or cry, or even breathe. I know it was a boy—moms know.

Camden Ray Smith died 12 short weeks after being conceived. He is now with the best babysitter a mother could ask for. He is in an eternal home that neither you nor I have experienced, and I’m grateful that my son is home.

While he may not be in our arms, Camden is in our hearts. With the end of his short life came unbearable grief—the kind I can’t even describe. I somehow felt unworthy of my grief. No one had ever mentioned this kind of thing to me before. I thought if I didn’t give birth to him, I couldn’t call myself a mother or be sad that he was gone. I was wrong.

You are entitled to your pain. Everyone grieves differently, and everyone heals differently. It took me six months to look at a pregnant woman or a baby without pain. It took me nine months before I made it a whole week without crying over him, and it took over a year for me to be able to think of him and not break down in agony. And that’s okay.

God took the worst tragedy that I have ever experienced and made it into something beautiful—a God-centered marriage. It was the night my son died that my husband and I prayed together for the first time. It was a week later that we first went to church together. Our grief brought us closer to the Lord than ever before.

There was hope. There is hope. Even if you have the most amazing life and marriage, God can use your loss to shine light on where He needs you. He doesn’t let these moments of sorrow happen in vain. He uses us in our lowest moments to feel His love and let His light shine through us. Thank you, God, for hope.

-Holly

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalms 34:18 NIV

 

Alexis Trujillo