4.7 Ounces of Grace
On February 29, 2016 at 9:00am, our families lives were forever changed. We walked into the doctor’s office excited and expecting to see and hear our sweet boy, and instead we were given the worst news an expectant couple could ever hear… we had lost our son. He had passed days before, and there was not only a lack of heartbeat, but swelling. I immediately fell into a deep well of despair, holding my husbands arm, and trying desperately to see through the flood of tears that were seemingly endless. My active, silly, picky-eater of a son was no longer here with us.
As the doctor offered condolences and explained our next steps, all I could hear was that at 21 weeks, I would need to deliver my son. No more cravings, no more kicks, no more sweet goodnights from daddy. This was the end of a dream and the beginning of a nightmare.
March 2, 2016 at 7:00am, I was admitted to the hospital and escorted to my delivery room. This was, by far, the oddest feeling of my life. I was walking down this long hallway with my delivery bag in hand expected to deliver my tiny boy in a matter of hours. The door to our room came too soon, and when it opened, all I saw was his bed and receiving blankets. I wanted to make a quick escape for the car and drive somewhere no one could find me, but instead listened to our instructions for the next 24 hours of pain.
It wasn’t until 11:23pm that we finally got to see our boy. Labor lasted 15 hours and 23 minutes! I was tired and not expecting that he had already made it down the birthing canal. The nurse checked my dilation, and the look on her face changed dramatically. “He’s right there, Alexis,” she said. Immediately, I went into panic mode. I cried deeply while feeling a pain and confusion that I had never felt before in my life. She kindly said, “it’s time to push, I need you to bear down and help me.” I just stared, my eyes full of tears, and said, “he’s not supposed to come out yet, please, he’s not supposed to come out yet.” This was the hardest part of this entire experience. My sweet husband calmly said, “look at me, just look at me, you can do this.” I just stared at him trying to convince him that I couldn’t. He of course, being my biggest fan, was not convinced. The nurse urged me to push again, and I did the hardest thing I have ever had to do… I let go, and I pushed.
My beautiful boy was perfect. He had 10 long fingers and 10 long toes. He had big lips and even bigger feet (like his mommy). He was a sweet gift from God, and we only had but hours to hold him.
The nurse took him away momentarily, washed him, and clothed him. He had a tiny little beanie that must have been made for a doll. He was sweet and oh so precious. He was introduced to his grandparents, and afterwards, laid in his bed to stay for the night. That night we rested and every so often looked over at our boy. He was such a sweet and silly spirit, and his shell was even cuter. We knew the time would come when we had to wake up and say our goodbyes before going home. This made sleep that much more appealing. The next day came, and it was time to say goodbye to our little “peanut.” This was not goodbye however, it was a “see you later.”
We left the hospital the afternoon of March 3, 2016. Leaving, we felt an odd sense of peace. Our son was no longer with us, but he was somewhere far better. We had a team of prayer warriors beside us, loving us unconditionally, and caring for us without expectations. Far greater, we had an almighty God holding our hands, offering us a joy we could not explain! It was clearly evident that he was carrying us through our trial, and that he was going to do great things through it!
The trial of our son’s loss is a daily battle. Everyday we think about our “peanut” and all of the memories we made in his short time here. The pregnant women with similar due dates, the baby weight I have yet to lose, and the blanket my grandmother lovingly made, are all constant reminders of the life that was once Ryan Christopher Trujillo. He was truly a gift from God, and a glimpse of grace in the midst of a difficult season. God has brought us such great joy, and graciously allowed us to be used for his glory. We have been blessed with so many opportunities to share our story and to encourage those around us. We are so excited for the hope we have in Christ and for that day when we get to see our son again! He was perfectly and wonderfully made, and it is to God that we give the glory!
“He will wipe away every tear from their eyes and death shall be no more. There will no longer be any mourning, crying, or pain. For the order of things have passed away.” Revelation 21:4