New Beginnings Are Rough

Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day, and I feel as though I must express the confusion this day brings to someone in my current season of life. We lost our little Ryan in March and are now three months pregnant with our newest little blessing. How am I supposed to feel: overjoyed that there is a dedicated day to celebrating this new life inside of me or saddened by our loss of the little life that once was? And how is it possible to do both?

This is the constant struggle we face in our everyday lives as both grieving and celebrating parents. We are excited to hear the heartbeat of our newest little blessing, but secretly cry over the heartbeat we recorded of our little Ryan. This doesn’t even begin to shed light on the anxiety we feel walking into each doctors appointment. It’s as if each time we are preparing to hear our baby’s heartbeat or see her on an ultrasound, we hold our breath–scared that we will have to once again endure the pain that came from hearing those awful words, “there is no heartbeat.”

My fear has been that I do not know what God’s will is for our little one. Maybe this baby is meant for a direct flight to heaven, or maybe we will be blessed with years of life with her.  Regardless, I realized today that I am forgetting that whatever His will may be, He will not leave us without. When we lost Ryan, He replaced the hole in our hearts with joy and a strong desire to love and encourage others. Why would he not do the same with this little one?

We serve a faithful God, One who will provide the means necessary to follow His will. He has never left us without and has always carried us through the darkest of times. Whether this tiny human is meant for our arms or His, we trust that God will not only walk with us; but rather, He will carry us.  This will not be an easy season, but it will remain one where hope is our stronghold, and God is our anchor.


“Now may the God of peace— who brought up from the dead our Lord Jesus, the great Shepherd of the sheep, and ratified an eternal covenant with his blood— may he equip you with all you need for doing his will. May he produce in you, through the power of Jesus Christ, every good thing that is pleasing to him. All glory to him forever and ever! Amen.” Hebrews 13:20-21

Alexis Trujillo